


Cognative Dissonance

by MidnightCrow



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 17:38:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13956678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightCrow/pseuds/MidnightCrow
Summary: When Yuuri's anxiety gets to be too much to handle Viktor is there to pull him back together.





	Cognative Dissonance

**Author's Note:**

> Warning!!! This fic discusses anxiety, depression, negative thoughts, and an unhealthy coping mechanism called emotional numbing! If that doesn't set off any red flags in regard to your own mental health then feel free to proceed.

When Yuuri had been a child, there was a pond on the edge of Hasetsu that would freeze over every winter; and although the Ice Castle was fast becoming a second home there was something about skating in the open air that called to him. He'd been careless though, there had been a few warm days and he'd decided to take Yuuko to skate with him since it was finally nice out. Looking back on it, he was surprised he made it more than a few steps out before the ice cracked beneath him and he fell into the freezing water.

At first it hurt, oh god did it hurt, it was so cold his skin felt like it was burning and then... It didn't hurt anymore; he didn't feel anything anymore, not the water surrounding him or his clothes and skates weighing him down. Yuuri couldn't hear anything either, all sounds were muffled and even Yuuko's cries seemed to be coming from somewhere far, far away. It was so peaceful, and he was suddenly so tired that his eyes started to close by themselves. A short nap couldn't hurt, right?

A strong pair of arms gripped his torso and pulled him above the water's surface, the cool air stinging his face as he coughed and sputtered. "You idiot!" It was Takeshi, but when had he gotten here? "Why would you choose today to skate, didn't you see the ice was too thin?"

"We need to get him to a hospital," Yuuko's voice was panicked but Yuuri couldn't say anything to reassure her he was fine. Talking was too much of an effort, moving was too much of an effort, all he could do was gulp down shuddering breaths of air while his throat burned. 

Part of him wished he hadn't been saved, underwater there was nobody be could disappoint, no decisions to make or insults thrown at him. It had been so calm, and yet another part of his head was insisting that there has been something wrong about it, how he should have felt the coldness or his lungs filling with water. As sensation returned to his limbs the pain replaced it, the burning that came from ice instead of fire, and he longed to stop feeling at all.

He'd narrowly avoided hypothermia, Yuuko and Takeshi had managed to get him to the hospital in time, but he'd been bedridden with a fever for days in which he stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. In the years that followed it seemed like some part of Yuuri had been left in that pond he'd refused to visit again, the piece of him that was able to overcome the doubts and fear that plagued him.

"Emotional numbness." That was what the doctor had called it when his parents had dragged him to the man's office after he'd found out a classmate he'd trusted had made up lies about him. "It happens when a person gets so overwhelmed by emotions they decide to stop feeling anything."

Depression, anxiety, while it felt good to have a name to put on the turmoil inside him it didn't fix anything, he felt like a puppet being controlled by someone else. Medication would help they said, and so he took the pills and things improved for a time, but every so often it was as if he was back on that pond again: the ice cracking and plunging him into a dark pit of nothingness.

-

It started with an article, and even though Yuuri knew it was most likely false it still bothered him. "Viktor Nikiforov seen with new beau?" the headline had said, a grainy picture accompanying a far-fetched story that brought unpleasant thoughts out of hiding. Back when he'd first started coaching it had been brought up that Viktor had dated other people but that hadn't been anything new, he'd been some sort of playboy in his early twenties but those days were gone.

Viktor had come to him and made it plainly obvious that the article wasn't true; he'd known that it would be a source of insecurity and wanted to squash the rumors before they grew. It wasn't necessary, Yuuri had known from the start that there was no actual story or truth in what had been written, but it had sparked a horrible idea into existence that wouldn't leave him alone. "Will he leave me someday?" He couldn't say the words aloud, fearful that if he even gave voice to the question plaguing his thoughts it would come true.

Crack.

"I couldn't even win gold, he worked so hard and I failed him."

Crack. His cheeks reddened and his throat began to ache, what little energy he had was spent trying not to cry.

“I failed him; do I even deserve to skate on the same ice as him?”

Crack.

"He's probably better off without me."

Crack. He failed and tears spilled down his cheeks as conversations he'd overheard came back to him. Those people who'd said Viktor deserved better, that they couldn't believe such a talented man would be engaged to such a failure.

"The world is better off without me."

With a final crack he fell, his mind plummeting like a stone and bringing the cold emptiness back.

"If this pain is what I have to deal with I'd rather not feel anything."

-

Viktor came home hours later to be greeted with an empty living room; usually Yuuri would wait for him on the couch or text him if he planned to go somewhere. It was unsettling as he realized Makkachin was nowhere to be seen either, but the door hadn't been locked and nothing seemed to be stolen.

"Yuuri?" He called out before walking into the hallway, only to find their bedroom door was closed and the poodle was lying in front of it, nose pressed to the crack at the bottom. With a sad whimper Makkachin seemed to notice Viktor was there and lifted one furry paw to the door as though trying to push it open.

Oh god, what had happened? Was Yuuri all right? Viktor practically broke the door with how fast he yanked it open, the poodle running inside the bedroom as soon as there was space.

"Yuuri?” A lump hidden by blankets greeted him, a few telltale tufts of black hair visible from under the comforter. There was no response, just Makkachin jumping up onto the bed and lying next to the lump. Shit. This was bad. Yuuri had to be sick or something, right?  
When he pulled back the covers, Viktor was met with lifeless brown eyes meeting his own, and silence.

-

Viktor looked scared, Yuuri registered as he struggled to process the information coming into his brain. Why was Viktor scared? Should he be scared too? What did fear feel like again? He'd felt it before but his emotions had detached themselves from the rest of him and left a gaping hole where they'd been.

"Yuuri say something! Answer me!"

He should talk, he should tell Viktor not to worry because he was fine. His mouth refused to cooperate, his body refused to move, everything seemed to require more of him than he could give and there was nothing he could do but stare at his fiancé. He felt his body being pulled upright as those beautiful blue eyes only grew wider, the meanings of the words being shouted at him slipping out of his reach as though he were trying to grasp hold of water.

"Yuuri please say something! I need you to talk to me!"

His head flopped back and forth as his shoulders were roughly shaken but the nothing made sense anymore. Why was Viktor acting like this? Why did he care so much when Yuuri wasn't able to?

-

With trembling hands Viktor scrolled through his contacts until he found the number for Yutopia, he knew it must be late back in Japan but he needed answers, he needed to know that Yuuri would be ok. Nobody had answered the first time, or the second for that matter, but Hiroko's sleepy voice greeted him after he'd called once more and he almost burst into tears from relief.

"Vicchan?" The woman sounded concerned; surely, she had to realize that he wouldn't wake her unless he needed to. "What's the matter?"

"I don't know what to do, Yuuri's not responding to me and no matter what I say he just stares at me like I'm not even there. I'm so scared Mama, I’m so scared.”

There was a sigh on the other end and it took several seconds for Hiroko to respond. “Vicchan, you know Yuuri’s not the best,” she seemed to struggle for the word in English. “His mental health.”

“Mental health?” Viktor was aware of Yuuri’s depression and anxiety but he’d never seen anything close to what he was seeing before him now. 

“He is... Numb? He used to get like this if something bad happened. He shut down to stop feeling things, to stop feeling sad. Did something happen? Something that might have bothered him?”

“I don’t know, everything seemed fine...” His eyes landed on a magazine that lay on the coffee table, a page had been harshly torn out of it but he could still see pieces of the article that had been there. Yuuri had insisted it hadn’t mattered to him, he’d said he was fine.

“I’m used to being blamed for my own failures! But this time I’m anxious because my mistakes would reflect on you too! I’ve been wondering if you secretly want to quit!” At the Cup of China, he’d told Yuuri he’d resign as a coach as a way to motivate him but it had backfired horribly and he’d had to see the man he’d really started to love at his lowest point. The fear that Viktor would leave him, the fear he could possibly disappoint Viktor was something that terrified him no matter how many times he’d been told it couldn’t happen. Was it possible that despite his reassurances the article had still brought those emotions back to haunt him?

“You don’t have to say anything. Just stand by me!” Those last words, the song for his free skate, it seemed to be some kind of sign. He’d originally choreographed “Stay Close to Me” on a whim, the song spurring some emotion in him he couldn’t put words to and motivating him to make a program using it. After he’d seen the video of Yuuri skating it all those months later, months during which he’d heard nothing from the man who’d captured his interest so easily, it was like the pieces had started lining up. Yuuri, his Yuuri, who had a heart of glass and yet was able to love so freely, he had been who Viktor had been skating that program for all along; the thing missing from his life.

Taking a deep breath Viktor returned his attention to Hiroko, who had to be very confused by how long it had taken him to respond to her. “I think I understand now. Thank you for your help, I’m sorry to have woken you.”

“It’s quite alright Vicchan; please call again when you’ve sorted everything out.”

-

He was back, his expression still concerned but less panicked a crumpled bit of paper in his hand. Makkachin raised her furry head when the door had opened but she’d quickly returned her attention to nudging Yuuri’s shape under the covers, whimpering softly. 

“Yuuri,” Viktor still sounded shaken as he sat down on the bed. “I’m not going anywhere, alright? I won’t leave you no matter what anyone says about you not being worthy to be with me. I love you Yuuri, I love you so much and it hurts me to see you like this,” his voice broke on the next words. “Please come back to me Yuuri, please just talk to me. Don’t leave me, please... I’m scared too.” There were tears rolling down his face as he searched for his fiancé’s hand underneath the blankets and clutched it tightly.

Warm. Viktor’s hand was so warm in Yuuri’s that it penetrated the haze clouding his thoughts, and just like Takeshi had all those years ago on the frozen lake he was dragged out of the numbness that had enveloped him. It still felt hard to move, to speak, to do anything other than lie there, but he had to do it just to comfort the crying man before him. Something important had returned to him, the one thing that mattered more than anything did at the moment. He loved Viktor, he loved him with the entirety of the heart that had been shattered repeatedly, and he would do anything to stop the tears from falling.

-

“Vik-tor?” It was more a croak than anything else, but at the word he jerked upright and stared into Yuuri’s eyes, those beautiful chocolate-brown eyes that were full of life once more.

“Yuuri!” He couldn’t help it, he really couldn’t. He practically leapt upon his fiancé, hugging him tight as he struggled to stop crying.

“I... I messed up again...” His voice was hoarse as he squirmed slightly under Viktor’s lanky body, shifting so he wasn’t being crushed. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for Yuuri! I’m the one who should be sorry; I should have done a better job reassuring you of things. You can’t control when your anxiety gets the better of you!”

“I scared you. I saw it, I heard you... I couldn’t do anything... It was like I was seeing everything from outside my body and I couldn’t really move,” An arm snaked its way out from under the blankets to wrap around Viktor’s waist. “I don’t know what happened, I just kept thinking you’d leave because I let you down and I just... everything hurt so I wanted to stop feeling anything.”

Viktor planted a kiss to Yuuri’s cheek, snuggling closer to his fiancé. “Your mom told me it happens; I called her because I didn’t know what to do. I just was so scared you wouldn’t come back to me.”

“She... she’s dealt with it before. She was there when it happened the first time,” Yuuri took a shaky breath. “It’s like I’m underwater, I can see and hear things but it’s just so far away...”

There was a long silence before Viktor spoke again. “I never want to see you like that again, like you’re not even there. Promise me that you’ll talk to me if something’s bothering you, even if it’s something stupid, because I’d rather talk about meaningless things than deal with this again.

Another pause. “In return I’ll try to tell you about things that cause me trouble, things that I have difficulty discussing with others because I’m so used to dealing with everything myself. We’ll work together on helping each other, because we care enough to avoid seeing the person we love in so much pain. Deal?”

Brown eyes met blue as they understood just what such an agreement would mean. Neither of them was exactly whole, they’d both dealt with shouldering the expectations of others for so long and the fear of disappointing the people they cared about to the point it kept them up at night. Anguish, fear, loneliness, they’d both felt those things and overcome them repeatedly only to deal with them once again. There was no light without dark, no strength without weakness, but if they worked together, they would definitely find a way to become stronger than they’d been. It would be worth it, worth all the pain they would have to overcome, because they weren’t alone anymore.

“Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> .....  
>  Yeah it's not very good I know. It's also not a chapter update. This was more written for me and I felt like I should post it anyway.
> 
> This is actually something I've been working on since October, because I experienced this myself once more and in the haze that followed regaining my emotions I somehow wondered how Viktor would respond to Yuuri in such a state. I've been working on it on and off since then because its become somewhat of a therapy tool as well as a way to get writing again after life stuff happened.
> 
> About emotional numbing, from my experience! It sucks big time because it can happen very suddenly, and it doesn't always happen fully where you completely shut down like Yuuri did, sometimes you just realize you forget what it feels like to be happy. You know you've felt happy before, but it's like being asked to describe a food you tasted years ago, it just isn't in your memory anymore. It is a very unhealthy way of coping with depression and anxiety because of instead of actually dealing with what's bothering you you're just giving yourself more to deal with. 
> 
> Yeah... Mental health issues yaaaay. Things are better now in case people were worried, but I thought I should see this through to the end because of the reason I started it. I'm attempting to write more again but life issues have made writing harder than it used to be and because I don't feel like I fit in with this fandom anymore. It's probably the depression talking, I'm too much like Yuuri which was probably why I could write this.


End file.
